Vote Lou ’08
I just want to begin by explaining that although this piece is political, relatively partisan and 100% factual; in no way do I intend to shit on a morons right to vote or a bigot’s right to free speech. These are simply accounts of how my own personal political journey made it’s way to this years election.
At about 5:30pm, just about the time the average yahoo like myself gets home from work, a fuck- force barrage of political coverage floods the tube like gay dudes at a Yani concert. MSNBC, FOX News and CNN all have their rock stars Keith Oberman, Anderson Cooper, Bill O’Reilly and Chris Matthews all jockeying for position to either change my mind or lie til their noses knock over the cue cards. Although I love to watch the daily events, just to store inside my basket of bullshit, I must agree that none whatsoever have swayed my political opinion. Watching however did make me wonder as to how I arrived at my current political affiliation. When did I make this independent choice to stay Democrat?
First off, I live in the absolute worst place in the world to be a Democrat…South Florida. And Not just Miami but a previously Red-dominated Key Biscayne. For this I have my parents to blame who grand fathered my ass into the Democratic Party. Their choice likely due to their New York college years, love for John Lennon and loyalty to the party of John F. Kennedy. What I later discovered was that JFK was actually a four letter word and most people here though “Lennon” was a fruit that mixed well with sugar, water and ice. Thank you mom and dad.
Now before I could make up my mind… certain events made it for me. I was about half way through the 7th Grade at St. Agnes when my father though it would be a good idea to take me to the Presbyterian Church on Election Day. Apparently my dad was doing community service for some dumb misdemeanor and wanted to use this opportunity to campaign for Bill Clinton, a new and relatively unknown Democratic candidate. Standing in the heavy sun with our Clinton/Gore 92′ signs and posters…we were clearly outnumbered. I remember my classmates coming up to me with their parents asking why would I vote for such a loser. Mind you that we were in an economic recession and just returned from war in Iraq under the Administration of a Bush family member…sound familiar? Anyways, just as we were thinking of wrapping it up, a dark green brand new Jaguar pulls up and rolls down the window screaming in our general direction. It was a half bald, middle-aged wealthy Cuban guy who I still see on the Key all the time. “You basterds! How dare you hold up that sign for that sonofabich! If he is elected this country is going to hell! We’re all going to get taxed off to live in Hialeah! Your gonna see this country go into deep economic misery if he wins…MARK MY WORDS your idiots!” The biggest shock of the day ended up not being the rant of the right winged jack-off. The real mystery was how my father never got arrested for reaching into his car and almost choking him by his tie. I love my father a little more for this minor awesome detail.
The problem with Mr. Jack-off’s theory is that I did mark his words. It turns out we enjoyed the record longest period of economic growth in our entire history. Moving along.
Despite all the successes of the previous administration, Al Gore was not viewed by many as a sexy candidate to take over after Clinton. In 2000 I was now 20 years old and working in my first office job at a firm called Morgan Enterprises. Some regular “TPS” report-type cubicle job where I basically faxed a lot of stuff and stared blindly at my computer playing solitaire (This was the year 2000 B.C.F.B – before Facebook). I ended up putting in my resignation after “Dorislaydis Sanchez (exaggerated name) so eloquently told me “I should go on the bus with the rest of the Niggers and vote for Al Gore” and that he “is obsessed with indecent sex and the ozone layer.” Normally I wouldn’t care but it was the big boss’ sister. God knows I wasn’t going to get a good recommendation from that job so I did what any other pissed off 20 year old would do. A Jerry McGuire “this fish has manners” grand fuck you exit.
Turns out we should have been on the case with the “ozone obsessed “ guy now that polar bears and penguins are washing up on South Beach like some God Damned Christmas Coke commercial.
Even still after the attack on 911, the battle cry for most Bush supporters was “man I’m sure glad we have “un Cowboy in el White House…VIVA Bush!” Not only that but the whole time I was dealing with my then girlfriends’ dad who urged me to vote republican because Liberalism=Socialism and “or else God damned niggers will take over”. Amazing. It was like I was living an everyday “After School special” version of Groundhog Day.
So 2004 couldn’t come fast enough as the war in Iraq was in full swing. All the troops took a wrong turn en route to Afghanistan and landed in Sadaam Hussien’s living room like a bad episode of wife swap. Naturally I believed the nation would choose a decorated Vietnam war hero like Kerry over a Yale Cheerleader (I’m not making this shit up). But no, somehow the Democrats lost the election. It was a fast break open “lay-up” and the Democrats tripped on their shoelaces on the way up court.
How could this be? Simple. The right wing has mastered the Art of Buzz Words. They have learned to control the masses of no-name, expressionless Middle Americans you commonly see packing up televangelist shows by thousands…or Nebraska football home games.
1) We are Christians.
2) We don’t want fags to get married.
3) We want to fight; Democrats are pussies.
4) If you ain’t Pro-Life you are Pro-Death.
5) USA! USA! USA! USA! (Cheers are starting to sound a little German)
Politics is Amazing. They label people worse then those of us who crowned girls “whores” for making out with 3 dudes back in school. Those of you who say the presidential candidacy is not a popularity contest…send my best to the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus cause your living in a crazy house. Clinton got in because he was “cool” and Bush Jr. got elected twice for being a “cowboy” so roll that up and smoke it.
Even now with Obama I am seeing the same exact history repeating itself. I shit you not, even the Key Biscayne Chicken Kitchen workers got political as they were making my chop yesterday. “Obama es un Communista Papo” as the guest behind me carrying his baby couldn’t resist saying “it’s true that nigger is gonna drown this country”. I started thinking “isn’t the country already drowning?” I got so zoned in that when the worker said “here’s your Cuban[chop] sir” I go “fuck that I’m Colombian” and we all laughed.
Either way I can honestly say that my idea of a Liberal Democrat perfectly fits my personality and lifestyle. I guess like the Kennedys I grew up in a great neighborhood with all the advantages that most people don’t receive. Yet instead of spending their days on the boat getting high or moving to the South of France to party their ass off, they chose a life of public service for those who are poor and less fortunate. Joe Kennedy Jr. got killed in WWII, Jack was a war hero as well and later got killed as President. His younger brother Bobby got killed after many years in the Senate and of course Ted Kennedy has been in public service for decades as Senator of Massachusetts. Sorry for the history lesson but here’s my point. Yea they enjoyed booze like any other Irish Catholic. Yes they had ties to Frank Sinatra and the Mafia. Did both brothers sleep with Marilyn Monroe? Yes! Fuck Yes! I’m okay with all that to be honest with you…but you know what makes me like them even more?
The fact that this election year, to the fear of all above storied racists, they helped pave the way so these so-called “God Damned N*ggers” can finally take over. Go Obama.
(Note: I’ll delete any comment from this post that uses racial slurs to be funny or to offend -rafa)