Sloppy Seconds: Why Some Men Double-Dip.

April 13, 2008 | Posted by: alex305 | Filed In: Rants, Vajajay

Like putting my hand on a hot stove, eating human flesh, or walking into a gay club wearing assless chaps, there are some things I innately just don’t want to do. Not only do I have no desire to do these things–they actually repulse me. I think for most sane, heterosexual men, the same is true.

There are certain things we like and things we just…don’t. We like Jessica Biel’s ass, but not Kimbo Slice’s. We like when our boys bring girls to the party, but not when our girls bring boys. We prefer our phone calls resemble the way we shop: with an objective and a sense of brevity, and definitely not “just to see how you were feeling???” And, until recently I thought, we like getting a girl ourdamnselves, and avoiding our boy’s sloppy seconds at any and all costs…

But, alas, it appears I am wrong.

What I believed was the overwhelming natural drive of the human male instinct to steer clear of anywhere his homeboy has put “his pipi” has now been relegated to the conscientious preference of an enlightened and reasonably secure modern man, who out of respect–both of you and himself–chooses to not double-dip his pig in a blanket (or sans blanket as the case may be). In other words, I think putting my pipi where my friend’s pipi has been is kind of gross (within a reasonably long time frame), and though I know a lot of you agree, apparently, the sentiment is not unanimous. Still, baffled by this revelation, I decided to dig deeper–to uncover the root of my aversion to hand-me-down vagin.

Continue reading Sloppy Seconds: Why Some Men Double-Dip….

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Are YOU a “Barter-Whore”?

April 9, 2008 | Posted by: alex305 | Filed In: Party, Rants, South Beach

It happens every weekend. You’ve probably seen it and just never realized it was going on. Maybe… you’ve even been a victim of it… I’m talking about…

“Barter-Whoring”.

Over the years I’ve observed this troubling epidemic–one that is as subtle and difficult to identify as it is repulsive when finally diagnosed. At surface level, it appears to be nothing more than admittedly shallow, but nevertheless innocent, socializing between men and women of a common age. But under closer scrutiny, what is revealed is a ring of prostitution the likes of which the Western Hemisphere has never seen.

Now for those of you who went to LaSalle, here is a brief definition to help you understand the concept (pay special attention to #3):

bar·ter (verb) [bahr-ter]

1.	to trade by exchange of commodities rather than by the use of money.

2.	to exchange in trade, as one commodity for another; trade.

3.	to bargain away unwisely or dishonorably (usually fol. by away): bartering away his pride for material gain.

Let’s look at an example:

It starts innocently–”Fulanita de Tal is attending VELVET-ROPE LOUD MUSIC PARTY WEDNESDAYS @ Club Pretense”. The party is hosted by her “friend” who she “loves” and whose Facebook wall is littered with quotes from her like, “Where have you been hiding????????? lol”, evidencing this firm adoration. Come Wednesday, she yanks on her favorite IOS pattern dress, blow-dries her hair straight, and texts her “BFF” telling him that she’s on her way.

Continue reading Are YOU a “Barter-Whore”?…

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Rats’ Creed

March 22, 2008 | Posted by: alex305 | Filed In: the Key

In honor of the Easter holiday, I thought we’d take this time to reaffirm our beliefs as Key Rats. Please, read and speak aloud:

“We believe in one Key, the Island, the Village, maker of condos and houses, of all that is rich and less rich. We believe in one Home, Key Biscayne, the only important Key, eternally begotten of Key Rats, Key from Key, Isle from Isle, true Key from true Key, elitist, not inclusive, one in being with its Rats. Through It all things were made…better. For us Rats and our salvation It has really high property tax, limited space, and a ten-mile toll road separating it from mainland trash: by the power of the Rats, It was born of the county, and became Village. For our sins It was given its own overly-funded police department; we were tailgated, pulled over, and ticketed for no reason. On another day we were followed out of 7-11 and our licenses and registrations were checked—again, for no reason: we are still Rats, still hard, and still live on the Key. Even if we move, we will come again in glory to buy condos and/or houses, and the Ratdom will have no end. We believe in boating, the Ski Hole, and Regattas on the sandbar by Nixon’s house. Our friend with the boat: he is worshiped and glorified (and, mostly likely, used). He doesn’t really care as long as you bring girls and/or alcohol. We believe in Sir Pizza, crustless, square-chopped, and possibly dipped in Ranch. We acknowledge one option for going out during the week: Greenstreet. We look for the promotion of clubs, and the free bottles that are to come. Amen.”

Happy Easter, My Fellow Rats. Don’t worry, Jesus would have wanted it this way.

P.S. I’m going to hell for sure.

P.P.S. But, I’m going to talk to Barry about opening a Sir Pizza franchise there. I’m gonna be riiiiiich!

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